User blog:Wikidude135/The most epic rap battle oh history (Previw with Seasons 1-3)
The rest is currentlly in development: But here's what i got so far. This is meant to be a test to see who people think the best character in ERB is. Here it is so far: The most Epic Rap Battle of History!!!!! Begin! Lennon: Help! You're making my ears bleed, you need a muzzle. Why are you pissed off all the time? Didn't your mom give you a cuddle? You're the type of guy who could die of a heart attack just in the shower. You need to chill out for a minute, and smoke weed for an hour. Every time I watch your show, all you do is scream at me. And your face looks like a shit I took, high on LSD! I'm John Lennon, I'm a legend, I can see through all your tricks. I wonder how much George Bush paid you to suck his dick! O’Reiley: You fucking long hair, living in your Yellow Submarine. Well you're about to get sunk by the right wing political machine. Stop your presses Lennon! you call me mister Bill O'Reilly! When it comes to squashing limeys: I come recommended highly! You're weak. Between you and me there's no comparison. I'll beat you so bad you weep gently like George Harrison. You're Paul McCartney's bitch, with less talent than Ringo! And I'd rather suck George Bush's dick than Yoko Ono's. (Marching is heard) Hitler: I am Adolf Hitler! Commander of the Third Reich! Little known fact: Also dope on the mic! You look stressed Bill, you appear to be in pain. You need to take a vacation, here, take a trip on my train! And Lennon, Screw you, you big white cunt! I’ll turn all your friends against you with one word, you runt! Everything you 2 do is an epic fail! Now stand at attention, and Sieg fucking Heil! (Vader steps in, facing away.) Hitler: Who are you? Vader: Someone who loathes you, bitches, now stand up and rhyme! I’m only here so i can kick 3 asses at the same time! You can't rhyme against the dark side of the force, why even bother? So many dudes been with your mom who even knows if I'm your father? You fuckers! Let me remind you who you're messing with: Every bad thing you did, I'm the motherfucker who invented it! I'm gonna enjoy watching you all die. So let me do it with my own eyes. (CAW!!!) Lincoln: Four score and 65 years in the past, I won the Civil War with my beard. Now I'm here to whoop some ass! I've heard more thoughtful discussion up in TMZ! You’re all like brother blocking brother on their Facebook feed! I've got my face on the side of a mountain. I’ll bet you voted for John McCain! I've got a bucket full of my head, and I'm about to make it rain! I'll properly reach across the aisle and bitch-smack you all as equals! Of the people! (Double slap) By the people! (Double slap) For the people! Eagle! (The Eagle is shot down.) Lincoln: HEY! Who killed my oversized eagle?! Norris: That would be me. I am Chuck fucking Norris! I've spread more blood and gore than 40 score of your puny Civil Wars, bitch! I split Vader with a roundhouse kick! I wear a black belt on the beard that I grow on my dick! I attack sharks when I smell them bleed! I don't go swimming; water just wants to be around me! Chuck Norris doesn't battle. He just demonstrates how to lose! My raps will blow your minds like a verbal John Wilkes Booth. Palin: Oh boy, look what we have here! A buncha dumbass boys trying to be freaks of the year! This rap sounds like a rooster having sex with a frog! And Chucky’s got so much hair I almost thought he was a dog! Your strength doesn't scare me! I'm a mother of five! I killed moose with my bare hands after Akakin died! Everything you’re saying feels like a rerun of Madonna! Your fans are in a frenzy like a bunch of gay piranha! Gaga: I think I'd rather elect a smurf than vote for you. Governor of Alaska? That's like the principal of a home school. I sound more intelligent than you when I fart! I wonder if you even know how to spell the word art! Together you are all the sum of everything I despise. This is the most dysfunctional band since the Jackson fucking Five! None of your little bodies could even handle what I do. I think the truth is, Sarah, my music just scares you. (Kim Jong-il drops in from the roof.) Kim Jon-il: The name's Kim Jong. I got a license to IL! Make you swallow my rhymes like a steroid pill! I'm coming at you like the Asian Ric Flair! Bitch, I'll suplex you by your friggin' dick hair! I’m a god amongst men, you’re suburban commandos, dudes! You want beef? Eat this Korean BBQ! North Korea, bitch! Let me give you a tour! By the way, your wives say my dick is bigger than yours! Hogan: You got a ring side seat to your own smackdown, brother! You look like Sonic the Hedgehog's mother! You're a freak, a phony, a rice-a-roni jabroni! I'll bounce you all like a check for my alimony! C’mon dudes! All the little Hulksters know! I'll hang you from the ropes like a South Park puppet show! I'll choke hold you hostage like Laura Ling! Brother, I'll leg drop you all up to Beijing! Macho Man: Oh, yeah! It's about to get real! Watch me snap into a Slim Jim, Kim Jong-il! Macho Man, there is no equal. So spend less time rapping and start feeding your people! I don't like to hit little bitches with glasses, But when Lennon steps up, I’ll gladly stomp some asses! Punks! I'll elbow drop the whole nation. On behalf of the entire World Wrestling Federation! Bieber: Look what the cat dragged back from the dead! I’m gonna own this battle then wipe my ass on your heads. I'm the next Michael Jackson! You smell like Betty White! Here's some aspirin: You're catching Bieber Fever tonight! I got Kim Kardashian in my bed backstage. Who even listens to rap battle, anyway? I've got a concert in five, so there's not much time left. What else can I say? Your own music almost got me deaf! Beethoven: Sit down, son, and let me give you a music lesson! Ask Bach: I've got more cock than Smith and Wesson! Never say never? You'll never be forgetting! I've crafted masterpieces that will last throughout the ages! Your music gets you bitches on your Facebook pages! I would smack you all, but in Germany, we don't hit little girls. And I'm glad I'm deaf, so I can't hear that piece of shit, "My World"! My name is Beethoven, motherfuckers! Maybe you've heard of me! Not the Saint Bernard version; I'm the real O.G.! Einstein: When I apply my battle theory, minds are relatively blown! So take a seat students. You’re about to get owned! I'll school you anywhere: MIT to Oxford! All your fans will be like, “Um, that was awkward!" I'll give you a brief history of pain with the back of my hand! I’m the master of this whole damn battle, understand? I'm as dope as two rappers! You better be scared, 'Cause that means Albert E equals MC squared! Hawking: You've got no idea what you're messin' with here, boy! I got 12-inch rims on my chair. That's how I roll, y'all! You look like someone glued a mustache on a troll doll! You wanna bring the heat with the mushroom clouds you're making? I'm about to bake raps from scratch like Carl Sagan! I’m the best! I'm the Snoop Dogg of science! I'll be dropping mad apples on your head from the shoulders of giants! Easter Bunny: How you gonna battle? I invented hip-hopping! My little tail swinging and my big ears flopping! Ooh, what you gonna do? Get pwned! I would say take a seat, but i see you brought your own. Take it easy, baby. No need for this meanness. We should keep it peaceful, homeboy, Jesus! The Easter bunny, baby, ain’t nobody fina! Watch me rub my foot for luck and stick it right up your vagina! Khan: Ha, ha, ha, come on! Your bunny ass about to feel the wrath of Khan! Silly rabbit, you'll need more than luck! You've got two giant ears but can't hear that you suck! From Poland to Korea, I ravaged the land! Now my DNA‘s in dudes from New York to Japan! I drive a Mongol horde; your army is weak! What? You going to attack me with a posse of creeps? Dynamite: Gosh! I can't believe how much of a little bitch you are! When it comes to evil warriors, you, like, literally lowered the bar! Ugh! I’ll spit at you harder than Tina the Llama. Smacking your face till your lips swell up like Lafawnduh! Why don't you freaking exile yourself on a stupid island and hide? Cause this is a rap rollercoaster. You're not even tall enough to ride! I got mad skills! I'll rip all your bones apart! You're the ugliest thing that's ever been born since Bonaparte! Bonaparte: How dare you address moi, you adolescent worm? I am French! You are a bucktooth nerd with a perm! Sacrebleu! T'as une tête à faire sauter les plaques d'égouts! I'm going to shove your moon boots straight up your poop shoot! These bastards are gonna see how bad a battle can be. After this, the people watching will be voting for me! Doodle up some friends, you gangly freak show, Before I toss you over the mountain like the dreams of Uncle Rico! Ben Franklin: Stop! I protest these intolerable raps! It takes just one easy payment for me to whoop your ass, 'Cause I'm mint; I'm money! I'm an educated gentleman, So join or die, yall, 'cause it's all about the Benjamin! You couldn't beat the discoverer of lightning! You're out of practice! My victory's more certain than death or taxes! I'll craft a lyrical coffin and then spit the nails in! Call me Arthur Miller, sonnies, 'cause it's death BY a salesman! Billy: Hi, Billy Mays here with a special TV offer! Watch me crush this bald, fat, foppish founding father! I'll take my Awesome Auger and sow your Quaker Oats! I'll shoot your rhymes down like a regiment of redcoats! I'm lord of the pitch and leader in home sales! You're just a lumpy pumpkin who invented the mail! Benny's got kite 'and key, but you're in for a shock, When I strike you with bolts from my lightning rod cock! Vince: You following me, camera guy? 'Cause it's about to get furious! You're gonna love my nuts until you're bi-focal-curious! Fact is, you're a hack; wack QVC joke! You peddle soap that cleans bird shit from my windows! I sell Sham-wows, You couldn't break a piece of balsa! Slap Chop your faces, make a double chin salsa! Vince against any of you is just too bad! 'Cause after this America is gonna lose a dad! Gandalf: You shall not pass! I rap fast like Shadowfax! Riddle me this, you bitch: How's your little rag gonna beat my staff? I leave mics in flames, torched by Gandalf! Touch mine, loser, and scorch your hand off! You fool! Don’t you see? You're not a real fighter! Death makes you die! It just makes ﻿my brights brighter! I'll tie a knot in your beards with your wrinkly balls! For I am the one rapper to rule them all! Dumbledore: The prophecy forgot to mention this day, When I knocked your ass back to Gandalf the Grey! Check your status: they call me headmaster. You're nothing! Nice staff, you compensating for something? Your spells are a joke, not funny ones either! Mines of Moria? Ha! More like Mind of Mencia! You think you lame crappy rappers are gonna harm me? Wait'll you get a taste of Dumbledore's army! Shakespear: I’m switching up the style like the Beatles with my pieces. Each is such a wonder with a plethora of features. You're pathetically predictable. Easily dismissable. To be or not to be, is no longer for you eligible. The Bard is in the building. It's a castle, I'm the boss! I bet I'm Parliament. I'm positive I'm killing it. I'm iller than the plague. I've never caught or cholera, A baller baller, on some cricket bowler business While you're sitting in the bleachers! (Dr. Seuss comes in and paints in the cat in the hat.) Cat in the Hat: I would not, could not, on a boat Read any of the boring-ass plays you wrote! Even Horton doesn't want to hear you, And Cindy Lou Who is afraid to go near you! You bore people to death! You leave a classroom looking like the end of Macbeth! I entertain a child of any age! You gotta translate what you just said on the opposite page! How you gonna battle with the Cat in the Hat? Little kids get scared when I step on the mat! And yes, you do rap fast, it’s true. But let’s see how you rap against Things 1 and 2! Things: Oh, no, we'll smash your globe! Yo, you may have wrote the script, but now we running the show! You can take your fancy words and send 'em back home to your mama! Break our foot off in your ass with our feetie pajamas! Man, we'll cook you up and eat you with some ham and green eggs! We'll break offa your legs! Make no mistake, we in a rage! When we bust out our cage, all does not end well! You’re like Mr. T, you’re all too dumb to spell! Mr. T.: Who you calling dumb, fools? Mr. T only needs one letter! I’m the A-list member of the A team! Nobody better! I pity the fools who try to step to Clubber Lang! Call me B. A. Biceps 'cause I'll crush your whole gang! I’ll wear you like my neck chain, and thrash you all about! I'll get Hannibal, Murdock, and Face to stomp you out! So before you come to battle with your PBS crap, How 'bout I call up CPS and let them handle this rap, fool! Rogers: Watch what you say. That wasn’t very nice. You all think that you stand a chance, but I know it’s all lies. I'll be rocking sneakers till this battle's over. So I don't get blood from your ugly faces on my penny loafers. I pity your neck, Mr. Gold-Chains. You've got too many. The only gold I keep is on the shelf in my Emmys. I'll say this once, kids. I hope it's understood. Get all your belongings, and get the fuck outta my neighborhood. (Rogers is splashed with water.) Columbus: Arrivederci, I'mma leave before my part even begins… Cause we all know in the end which of these rappers gonna win! I'll show you how a real explorer handles a situation! I'll beat you so bad, you’ll be in the next generation! I've got a neck chop for Vince! I'll put my sword through Hulk, too! None of you understand why you’re losing, do you? I am the fabric of history! You are idiotic stains! I'll stick a flag up your ass and claim you for Spain! Kirk: I'm the…enterprising captain, James…Tiberius Kirk Representing Riverside Iowa, planet…Earth. I…hear you call yourself an explorer, but I'm just not having it. You…discovered a new world that was already inhabited! It's…Kobayashi for you. There's no way you could win. When your…weak crew sees me approaching, they'll be like, "Dammit, it's Jim!" Mr. Spock, beam me back to 1492 so I can beat these bitches like it's my…job. We'll see how Isabella likes my…captain's log. Leonidas: Spartans! Let's start this! Show this stuttering captain who's the hardest! The biggest mistake that you've ever made! I'll toss you like a grenade! I'll stomp you in the face with my sandals enraged, And tonight we shall rhyme in the shade! I’ve heard better battles with me and my 6 year old son! I don’t need firepower when i’m rocking THESE guns! Your crew’s hard, but my abs are harder! You're in my hood now, Kirk! THIS! IS! SPARTA! (Kicks Kirk into the hole, but Master Chief flies in and helps him climbs out.) Chief: Not…so…fast. Cortana says you're Greek, so why don't you stick these lyrics up your ass? They built a monument to my sins. You're the soldiers they need you to be. Ain't no way that you can beat me; even my initials spell MC! While you and your companions were all camping in a canyon, Took a campaign to your house and showed your queen my plasma cannon! They should've thrown your rhymes over the cliff because they're sickly. You will not enjoy this, but it will be over quickly. (A plane crashes into the battle.) Wright Bros: We're the Wright Brothers, and there can't be no other! We don't wanna cause trouble. PSYCHE! We gotcha, brother! We don't need to fight. We're the fathers of flight! Representing North Carolina. Aiiiiight! Before us, people only used to fly in balloons! You think we’re scared of some spartan buffoons? You talk a lot of trash, but let me tell you something. We're gonna beat you so fast, it's like we're holding down the shoot button! (A warp pipe comes out, and Mario and Luigi jump out.) Mario and Luigi: It's-a me, Mario! And Luigi, motha—*ping*! Why don't you get back in your biplane and make out with each other? We're serving up an 8-bit fist! Made to order! That'll knock you off the back of your own stupid quarters! You spent all your time on one machine? Sheesh! If you wanted to fly, you shoulda just eaten this leaf! We've been dropping Bob-ombs since we started this song! Sorry, Wright Brothers. This time you chose wrong! Jackson (Kid) OOH! Mario bros as I live and breathe! You’re just some dummy plumbers who enslaved monkeys. Watch me moonwalk and I step on the blue suede! Even in death, I go platinum on Blu-ray! You dance like an epileptic, nothing but left feet! I've seen it! Every record you set, man, I Beat It! I'm Bad. I'm a Smooth Criminal! Better face up! Call me Ed Sullivan, shoot you from the waist- Jackson (Adult) UP! it's about time for a Thriller! Didn't lose any chocolate; I just added vanilla! I'm going Off The Wall! I won't stop 'til I get enough! Whooping your big fat ass with my shiny glove! Elvis (Young): Well, I died on the shitter, but I don't give a crap! You ain't got half the badass battle raps that I have! I got one for your monkey, two for your clothes, Three for your family, and four for your nose! I can tell you're angry, but I can't comprehend it. I stole from black culture. Why are you offended? You better surrender talkin' bout them ABCs 'Cause all you wanna do is teach kids the birds and the bees! Elvis (Fat): You lost your damn mind: that's why they cast you in The Wiz! You're like a sad white woman who never got to be a kid! I'm out, before you try to hold me and free your willy! Later, weirdo! Elvis is leaving the building! Monroe: Oh, you won’t be going anywhere just yet, honey. Whose rap flow's the dopest? Marilyn Monroe's is! Overthrow anyone in my way who opposes. You could never kick my ass, so kiss my clitoris! This ugly hag and KassemG got matching noses! My best friends are diamonds; you can't beat me! Quit trippin’ and let the best rapper be me. I got an ass that won't quit; you’re like an asp and got bit, on the tit! Somebody wrap this bitch up in a carpet! Cleopatra: You better hold more than your skirt, miss, please. I'm the Queen of the Nile, so just bow down to me! Plus, you got so much experience down on your knees. Married a writer, but I don't even think you can read! You still got no children after your third marriage! You lost so many babies, we should call you Miss Carriage! I'm a descendant of the Gods; don't anger me, trick! You'll all lose this battle, then can suck Caesar’s- Jobs: Let me just step right in. I got things to invent! I'm an innovator, baby; change the world! Fortune 500 here to crush this worm. I'm a pimp; you're a dog. I'm slick; you're cheesy! Beating y’all is Apple II easy! I built a legacy. You could never stop it. I can even die and make Heaven a profit! All the people with the power to create use an Apple! You know, I bet they made this beat on an Apple. Gates: Nope, FruityLoops, PC! You blow, Jobs! You arrogant prick, With your second-hand jeans and your turtleneck! Steve, you steal all the credit for work that other people do! Did your fat beard Wozniak write these raps for you, too? I'm a boss! I own DOS! Your future is my design! I'm a god! Own Xbox! And there's no one to stop me! Victory is mine! HAL9000: I'm sorry, Bill. I'm afraid I can't let you do that. Take a look at your history. Everything you built leads up to me. (HAL9000 shoots Gates with a laser, making his head explode, but Dumbledore uses magic to put it back together as HAL9000 does their verse.) I'm coming out the socket. And ain't nothing you can do can stop it. I'm on your lap and in your pocket. How you gonna shoot me down when I guide the rocket? Your cortex just doesn't impress me, So go ahead, just try to suppress me. My CPU's hot, but my core runs cold. Hasta la vista, like the Terminator told ya. Sinatra: Hey, wait! What's gotten into you, baby? Yikes! You go shootin’ everyone there'll be no dust left to bite! You’re just a piece of scrap, this is show business. Why are you even trying to rap, you don’t have any lips! And relax with everyone else, i can’t stand a racist. I love the colors and the queers, just ask Sammy Davis. That's what's wrong with you people; you'll do anything to get famous! I’ll bet you’re gay, like Mercury….Who should've been Freddie Uranus! Mercury: You think I haven't heard that before? You're just a bully who's too scared to go to war. You had a hit song called "My Way", but someone else wrote it. You're the least talented rat in your whole pack of rodents! You're in the pocket of the mafia, and everybody knows. Guinea dago! Sinatra: Guinea dago? Mercury: Guinea dago, Figaro! Why do you stand there in a suit? It's like you're trying to bore me! When I rock the UK, South America gets horny, Because my songs have balls! They're the anthems of victory! Your music is like the soundtrack to a vasectomy! I'm the champion of the world (world!) extinguished in his prime! (Prime!) So kiss my ass, Frankie (ass!), but you'll have to wait in line. Romney: Whatever! I know that all that he said got you real mad! What, did it remind you of how much gay sex you had? Raw rhymes, stronger than my jawline when I spit a phrase, Knocking you harder than front doors in my old mission days! Call me a vicious businessman 'cause Romney's stealing this race! I'll go Bain Capital on every one of your ass, restructure your face! I should’ve won that election! Been no change, and we're all still hoping, That you'll shut your mouth, but like Guantanamo Bay, they're both open! Obama: They say your father was a great man. You must be what's left. Need to stop hating this gay; let him teach you how to dress! You've got the momma jeans and a Mr. Fantastic face! So rich and white, it's like I'm running against a cheesecake! I'm the Head of State! You're like a head of cabbage. 'Bout to get smacked by my stimulus package! I hope you saved your best rhymes for the second half. 'Cause right now, I'm 47 percent through kicking your ass! Romney: Oh yeah? Well, you’re stupid. Obama: You’re stupid! Romney: Nuh-uh! (Both growl, until…) Doctor Who 10: HEY! Calm down will you? Everything is going to be fine. I’m the doctor, who came all the way here, from the fabric of space and time. Actually, it's a lot more like a rug, really. Oh, Never mind. Let's just say there's an infinite number of me simultaneously kicking your asses with rhyme! (A Dalek randomly shows up and kills Doctor Who.) Gah! I'm going to die…At least, this version of me…But, Perhaps ...You'd like… Doctor Who 4: Another! Hahaha! I'm a mystical medical doc at the pinnacle, shifting my physical form! You're all crappy and sad sappy people who should have never been born! You got your knickers in a twist while you're sucking on my Piccadilly, but I'm a lot more different, I could even challenge that wannabe Einstein, minus the 'stache, and his bawk bawk chicken! Marty: Nobody calls me chicken! Brown: Great Scott! You're great! Not! I spit it hot, And generate way more power than 1.21 gigawatts! I'm not sure what sort of scientific authority you purport to be, But I'm a real doctor! Where'd you get your degree? Despite all your companions, you couldn't be having less sex! I don't know what's lamer: your fans or your special effects! I'll use your port-o-potty time machine as my latrine! You're not a cat with nine lives. You're a pussy with thirteen! Lee: Waaataaaw! I know a thing or 2 about cats! I got the baddest fists of fury that the world ever saw! Defeat whole karate schools and mother fuckers with claws! Your movies, they bore us; they're slow as a tortoise! I'm the king of nunchucks; I’ll fuck up Chuck Norris! I beat the good and the bad; you must be the ugly! I would mess up your faces, but your mamas did it for me! I invented Jeet Kune Do, so taste my slipper shoe! Here's my two finger push up: Kung F-U! Eastwood: Do you feel lucky, punk? That's what I'm asking. You can't be too tough, you got killed by an aspirin. You're in the gym too much, Ringo, perfecting kicks. You should spend more time matching your voice up to your lips. Those little dances you do don't threaten me, Bruce. Fuck you, dude. I even squint better than you! I'd beat you in round two, but that'd be unbelievable. Because not even YOU live to see your own sequel. Batman: Nice hat, dork. I'm Batman! Nothing makes me laugh, but I bet your raps can. Because everything so far has been a total snore. Who even watches cowboy movies anymore? You chump! I kick punks like you off the streets. I’m not just some detective solving Scooby-Doo mysteries! Eastwood, I serve justice, so eat it! And i think my sidekick should come out- Robin: Cuz he's needed! Boy Wonder make you wonder how your ass got killed! Bite harder than those hounds down in Baskerville! I'll blast you with that bat-wack-rap repellent! Rappel a building, snatch a villain, then by dinner be chillin'! (Holmes and Watson step in.) Holy Conan Doyle! Holmes: I once met a rich fellow who smelled of guano and pain. Holmes, explain. I deduce this deuce stain is Bruce Wayne! The billionaire? Yes, his wealth would allow this adversary of ours To afford the toys he needs, since he has no superpowers! You want a battle? Bring it then! You’ll ALL be served by englishmen! Bloody good rhymes! I've got tonnes. Dissing these dynamic douchebags was…elementary, my dear Watson. Santa: Elementary? Like the school that you missed? You’ve all been naughty this year, I'm pissed! I bring joy every year. Man, I represent cheer! You all represent fighting, comics, and a sexy rear. I'm from the North Pole! That's why my rhymes are so cold! I spit diamonds, but I'm serving up some fresh coal! I got my magic elves, so you better watch out. Begat deez nutz! Santa Claus is coming to town! Moses: When I was high upon the mountain, God revealed the truths of the Earth. But he never mentioned a fat-ass Papa Smurf. It takes nine reindeers to haul your fat ass. You took the Christ outta Christmas and just added more mass. Hand me my chisel, I got a new commandizzle for y'all. Thou shalt not let children sit on a grown man's lap at the mall. You ain't a saint, you a slaver, like a pharaoh in the snow. Stop with the unpaid labor and let my little people go. Eve: Don’t diss belly full of jelly, you so cray! He helps to celebrate my dad’s other son’s birthday! This battle's gonna end like every argument with Adam does, With you kissing my ass and begging me for a rub! I made a map, mother fuckers, and I'm reading it, too. Gives me specific directions how to fuck with you! You're as sharp as a stick that I rub on my lips, So go ahead, take a shot. I'm sure that you'll miss! Adam: Sorry, I wasn't listening. Are you still flapping those lips? I was just thinking, "Yo, did I give up a rib for this?" My life was fine 'til you had to come along and wreck it. Could you please just shut your face for ten seconds? You got a lotion for this; you got a cream for that. Got any perfume that smells like "Get the fuck off my back"? It ain't Summer, Eve. Don't try to play me like a douche! You wanna bite on my fruit? Well, you can swallow the truth! Gandhi: You want to battle wits? See who's the best rapper in this? I fought the caste system, but you still cannot touch this! Slumdog skillionaire, first name Messiah! Raps so hot, I spit yoga fire! With protests and women, the same advice goes: Always stay away from the ho's! I am passively resisting the fact that you suck. I am celibate because I don't give a fuck! King. JR: I’m the King of civil rights from the city to suburbia! No shoes, no shirt, but I’m still gonna serve ya! Make ya swallow your words so you can break the fast, Then thank God almighty you can eat at last! I've got so much street cred, they write my name on the signs! I'd ring you for tech support, but I got a no bell prize! Edison: Step up! You'll be shocked when I spit and start static! I'll rip your style and add it to my long list of patents! The truth hertz; you're broke and washed up! Don't give a smidgen 'bout your visions if they can't make a buck! I conduct business; understood things you never could! So dope that I even make New Jersey look good! Without me, here's a taste of what this battle would be: No lights, no camera, no sound. See? Tesla: You fool! You think that you can touch me with this? I see a universe of infinite energy, But no potential for threat from this enemy! So you can call me Tesla, Nikola, impeccably dressed! Giving lessons in electrical nemesis; this will be on the test! History is getting rewritten, and I have reddit. Your best invention was a way to steal credit. And if people knew you stopped me from making power free, They would curse the con Edison with every utility! Lance: Before I let loose with this aggression, I'll let you be the second person hearing my confession! I admit it: I did what I had to do to win. I'm an athlete. You're a specimen of sin! You’re in a battle where only 7 black people can compete; are you kidding me? That's like having a pasta contest without Italy! You'll be nothing but skeletons, messing with the fellow in yellow Who will be pedaling like hell up in the peloton! Ruth: You lived strong; beat cancer. Congratulations! Now I'll drop your ass faster than your own foundation! Third base with an Olsen twin; that's the sin, face it! She's just a little girl! What'd you give her, a bracelet? So come on, little buddy! Don't look so pissed! With all that blood and attitude, you're like a menstrual cyclist! If you step to Ruth on the mic, I'll fan your fancy bike and all! Yerrr out, with three strikes, and just one ball. Skrillex: My name is Skrillex, man! Welcome to the Devil's Den! I'm a scary monster stomping this sprite in frilly pants! I attack! You decay! Can't sustain my releases! Sidechain, Baby Ruth! Bangarang you to pieces! Global! My strobes glow like Chernobyl! Kids explode and get mobile! No one even knows you! I'm rich, acclaimed and famous! I'm on playlists! I'm the A-List! You're the lamest! All of you can kiss my a-a-a-a-anus! Mozart: Was that a verse, or did you just get the hiccups? I'm a prodigy, Sonny, and I'm about to smack a bitch up! My music is two hundred years old, and it's still excellent! In two more months, the world will forget about your Skrill-excrement! You go piano to fortississimo! That means soft to very, very loud, ‘CAUSE I’M GUESSING THAT YOU DIDN’T KNOW! I am the world's greatest composer! No one knows what you are, Except a lonely little troll who knows how to press the spacebar! Rasputin: Cool powdered wig, wolfgang. But i’d like to handle Mr. Bangarang. I'll beat you past the point my magic powers can heal. Come on, bring it on, for real! I was poisoned, shot and beaten and I still fought back like no sweat. I'm so hard to kill, my rap name should be 50 Kopek. I don't mean to Russia, but you seem to be Stalin. Come at me, all of you! I'm ready to start brawlin'! You would think I'm making borscht when I crush these beats. You’ll all face a true Russian defeat. What smells like rotten poo log? Oh, wait It must be rhymes from your rhymes, dawgs. Big dick mystic, known to hypnotize! I could end you with a whisper to your wife. Stalin: Look into my eyes, you perverted witch! See the soul of the man who made Mother Russia his bitch! I'm Stoli Gold, you're a plastic handle of Popov. You sure act like a dick for a punk with his junk chopped off! You got off easy when they pickled that moose cock! I'll leave your neck in a noose in a trench and shot! Lady Gaga, Shot! Mr. Rogers, Shot! Obama, Hulk Hogan, and Santa, SHOT! Starve you for days 'til you waste away! I even crush mother fuckers when I'm laid in state! Pride of Lenin took Trotsky out of the picture. Drop the hammer on you harder than I bitch slapped Hitler! Lenin: I have no pride for you, who ruined everything My revolution was doing to stop the bourgeoisie! I fought the bondage of classes! The proletariat masses Have brought me here to spit a thesis against ALL of your asses! Let me start with you there, Frankenstein! Looking like something out of R. L. Stine! It's hip-hop chowder, red over white, 'Cause the Tsar's wife can't do shit tonight! And Joseph, you were supposed to be my right-hand man, But your loyalty shriveled up like your right hand, man! Our whole future was bright! You let your heart grow dark And stopped the greatest revolution since the birth of Marx! Gorbachev: Knock, knock, knock, knock. Did somebody say birthmarks? Lenin: What? No. I said- Gorbachev: Yo, I'm the host with the most glasnost! Assholes made a mess and the war got cold! Shook hands with both Ronalds: Reagan and McDonald, no doubt! If your name end with "in", time to get out! I had the balls to let Baryshnikov dance, playa! Torn down that wall like the Kool-Aid Man, oh yeah! You two need yoga. (Дa!) You need a shower, (Дa!) And you all need to learn how to handle real power! Putin: Did somebody say real power? Дa, you want to mess with me? I spit hot borscht when I'm crushing these beats. Blow it up like a tuba, while I'm balling in Cuba. Doing judo moves and schooling every communist сука. I'm a president in my prime. My enemies don't distract me. The last man who attacked me lived a half-life, so comrades, come at me. You don't know what you're doing when you try to bust a rhyme against a mind like Putin. You'll find that the ex-KGB is the best MC in the ex-CCCP! Boba: They call me Boba Fett; you wanna mess with me? I'll put my balls in your mouth like Boba tea! I got a jetpack, yo; you know I steal the show! 'Cause when I rock a microphone— (Blackbeard shoots him off-camera.) Blackbeard: OH HELL NO! I come strapped with six pistols and a dagger. Walk under the black flag with the scallywag swagger! Ain't no parrot on my shoulder and no rings in my ear. I'm an irate pirate; real swashbuckling buccaneer! When I toss you overboard like a mob abomination You’ll all have to learn the Davy Jones' locker combination! I'll pilfer all your heads and sell them for change. ‘Cause I'm a criminal legend with a badass name! Al Capone: C'mon, they chopped your head off and they hung it from a rope. The only legend you left was your prohibition on soap. I'm a busy man, Captain Crunch. I'll make this quick. I'm ruining pirates faster than Johnny Depp did. 'm the emcee Assassin slash like Edward Kenway. Rap so hard call me Al…dente. Maybe they find your bloated body dead and washed up on the beach. This is Capone rappin' and I'm cappin' this Captain. Capisce? Cyrus: Let me guess, you're here to hate? Well, you can stand in the autograph line and wait! I'm getting lifted on that molly, get this party turned up! I’ll smash you like a wrecking ball, get this party turned up! 'Cause I'm all twerk; I got all day To make all of you losers pay. When I come under fire, I can hashtag handle it! If you were sent by someone, then you need better management! Joan: Lord, forgive me for the words I must speak. I know the voices of the angels tell me turn the other cheek, But I'm about to rip Hannah Montana's tongue out through her teeth! Je suis la fille en feu; call me Katniss Everdeen! Be thankful for your talent; don't just rub it on your crotch! Keep your party in the USA. Vive la France! You gotta die for something, Miley. So let's do this. I'll twist you up like you're a Rubik's cubist! Picasso: Don't use that word like you know what it is! You got your ass burned on a big wooden stick! Why don't you go back home and accept defeat, you chump? I’ve heard better rapping from my wiener, Lump! My name is Pablo Diego José Francisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno María de los Remedios Cipriano De la Santísima Trinidad Ruiz y Picasso! Now...i’ll pass...the mic...to Bob! Bob: Well, Bob is dropping bombs like this is Guernica. I served twenty years; Air Force, United States of America! I'm so glad you could join me today, So I could teach you how to feel some joy when you paint. Your work is melancholic; I'm painting happy little trees. Call me Jackson Pollock because I splatter MCs Don't believe in mistakes unless you step to me. Yo Pablo, you just got your happy little ass beat! Jordan: Man, you make me sick, but I'm better with the flu! You should let the Fresh Prince do your rapping for you! (Swish!) I'm a flying machine, like the world has never seen! I can drive through a rapping whole team! Does your audience know that you stole your whole show? You just ripped off your teacher and added an afro! But, You! You must be on your Blue Period, Buddy. I don’t CARE if you say you’re the modern art Muhammad Ali! Ali: Ey, Yo! Somebody call for me? Here comes Jordan, big tongue wobbling, Flying through the air like a big dumb goblin! Your whole basketball career turned whack When you came back a Wizard like Gandalf the Black! I'm so pretty; my hands are so fast! I'll whup your face back to your Hitler mustache! You need to bounce back to North Carolina, kid, 'Cause your rapping sucks more than Space Jam did! Trump: ALI! You remind me of my ex-wife in a bikini 'cause you disgust me. Keep your balls that nobody can see away from me; don't even touch me! I don't shake hands; I don't make fans! I ruin rappers faster than Scottish lands! Even Jay-Z knows what a pimp I am! I got my name on the front of the business, man! What do the American viewers gotta yankee doodle do To get it through your fat face that they're just not that into you? I'm gonna run this battle like I run my casinos: More police and less Latinos! 'Cause this whole system's rigged, and we all know the riggers! For the last few minutes, this battle’s been run by- Scrooge: How dare you disturb me when I'm napping in my chair? You're a crappy rap-spitting apparition! I ain't scared! You wanna rap, then do it all you want; I don't care! I do not believe you’ll win, and I don't believe that hair! J.P.: Don't panic, Scrooge, but you're about to crash! I'm J. P. Morgan, the Ghost of Rich Dudes Past, Who's properly rocking the Monopoly mustache! Yo, I own the railroad! I run these tracks! You got dumped on a bench; now you're pissed at the world! You should have made like Sebastian and kissed the girl! Is this the selection of rappers they selected? Well, EVERYONE shut the hell up! I'm not affected! West: Well, you're about to be right now! I'm the ghost of what's right now! Just take a lesson from Yeezy! You’re missing the point J to the P. There's more to life than your work; take it easy! Even I can make time for Azizy! Yeah, this is what’s happening! Kanye is taking you all out! Scrooge: Wait! Actually, With all of this reminding me of my christmas lecture, I still am expecting a final specter! Grim Reaper: BOO! You're gonna die! With no one to love you and no one to cry! Alone by yourself on the bed of your death! With the stench of regret on your last dying breath! 'Cause you've chosen the path of a selfish man! With Tiny Tim's innocent blood on your hands! The penance you pay for the way you behave! Is written as plain as the name on this grave! Grimes: Carl, stay back. This is gonna get bad. I’m about to take this killer out, like a true dad. I'm a post-apocalyptic cop who's got a lot of issues. Don't wanna hurt you but I will if I have to. 'Cause you don't wanna test me I'm cold. I'll leave you in the dust on the side of the road. You tear people apart sin by sin. Where I live, it happens literally limb from limb! White: I don't know what you all have done. But if this is a battle, I've already won. Ask Gus: you don't wanna face off against me! I'll stuff you in a barrel and make a dude smoothie! I'm a kingpin, cooking crystal in the middle of the day, Having dinner by the pool with the DEA! Run you over with my Aztek, GTA, If you ever try to stop Heisenberg getting paid! Here's a hot dose; let me watch you choke on the truth! You look up to me like I'm a pizza on the roof! I'll bury you faster than your partner stole your whole life! No one saw Shane coming, except for your wife! Superman: HA-HA-HA! Your rapping is weaker than your science scenes! One drop of acid, then a million screams! My level is incredible! I'm out of your league! You want justice? I'll bust this nut up in your Chi-Chi! Greasy, slick emcee from DC! With one breath, I'll freeze your whole measly species! Look at those panties! (Oh!) You got that camel toe! I'll report to Lois Lane and Superman that ho! Goku: How many times are they gonna rewrite your story?! Your powers have been boring since the nineteen fucking forties!!!!!!! Defeat me with heat beams? You're crazy, 'Cause I'm a Super Saiyan! You're a flying Miss Daisy! You're pretty pasty to be powered by the sun! You can't flow to Son Goku; I Kaio-ken get it done! When I see your movies, all I do is watch the clock, 'Cause there's nothing fun about a superhero scared of green rocks! There's only one way that this battle's gonna end: One more Superman who's never gonna walk again! Poe: Once upon a midnight dreary, as I spit this weak and weary, I will choke this joker with a trochee till his cheeks are teary! But y'all don't hear me! All should fear me! I'll forever be better; you'll never be near me. Even if you're gripping on a weapon, then you better get to stepping if you're messing with the horror lord! In a minute maybe I’mma hit him, cut him into itty bitty bits, and I'mma stick him in the floorboards! King: Now, THAT’S disturbing. Speaking of bored, you're the worst! Dropped out of school, but you can't drop a verse! I could have spent that time better. In eight bars, I can write a whole best-seller! You better start Running, Man! You're in deep poo, Poe! I'm a mad dog, fangs Shining; Cujo! Tommyknock you down till you can't Stand up! You're as soft as Po, the Kung Fu Panda! Fame? Money? Talent? Score? You'll always have less. Newton: Nevermore! King: Hey, that was MY line! Well, I conclude that your writing is the wackest! You wouldn't even pass in one of my classes! Every action has an equal and opposite reaction Except for when we both start rapping! I accelerated the mind of mankind to a higher plane of understanding, and I can calculate the weight and the size and the shape of the shadow of the mind you're standing in! I'm a master; I discovered gravity! I drop rhymes like they're falling from an apple tree! I was born on Christmas: I'm God's gift! I unlocked the stars that you're dancing with! Nye: Hey, yo, dude! What I used to do is teach kids science on my PBS show, But now I do what I gotta do to make sure scientific thought can grow! And I'm still in my prime, hitting my stride. What'd you do with the back half of your life? You freaked out, started counting coins for the bank, And you sure didn't have no wife! You wrote the book on gravity, but you couldn't attract no body! Your work on orbits was exemplary, but your circle of friends was shoddy! You don't wanna mess with the guy, Bill Nye! I rap sharp like a needle in your eye! Stick to drinking that mercury, 'Cause I hypothesize that you're about to get beat! Tyson: Why don't you pick on a brain your own size? We got a badass over here; plus, I’m on my own side. Astrophysics black guy; Hayden Planetary fly. By the way, the answer to who wins this rap battle is I, As in I put the swag back in science, While Isaac Newton was lying and sticking daggers in Leibniz, And hiding up inside his attic on some Harry Potter business. The universe is infinite, but this battle is finished. Washington: NOT YET, I DARE SAY! Ain't nobody more street than Big G! Stone face with a grill of sheep teeth! Roll up in a boat. You're sleeping, cut your throat. I watch the blood flow; now who's got that red coat? I chop down an emcee like a cherry tree! I fought till I was actually free, see? I can not tell a lie: you're about to be, Caught off-guard by a knee to the moose knuckle!` Wallace: Look at ya, in your little blousy outfit, Looking like a stiffer white dick than your monument! I was emasculated, eviscerated! I had my head chopped off and they put it on a pike, And I still find time to bust a Gaelic rhyme And rip your Yankee Doodle arse on the mic! I'll knock you the fuck out, mate! You died owning slaves! I died setting men free! That's the Highland way! This powdered prick couldn't beat me in a foot race! Founding father, but no children. Crossed the Delaware, but your soldiers can't swim! Send all you politicians straight down to hell! The only Washington I trust is Denzel! I don't give a shite 'bout your fancy clothes! You whipped all of those out of slave black folks! My style's ice cold; yours is old and shabby! You're the father of your country, but I'm your daddy! Da Vinci: I’ve heard enough, dudes. so let's get it on. All of you against the fathers of the Renaissance. We got the classical technique To kick each and every single freak under the street! I take Wallace and I turn him into mincemeat. You don't really wanna step to da Vinci. I love the ladies; I like to keep it mellow, So let me pass the mic to my man, Donatello! Bardi: I got the talent, and the mind, and the rhymes so sweet! I’m a master at art, and i can’t be beat! Let me paint a picture for you doops. I slice through a group of rappers like fruit. Oops! Sanzio da Urbino: Yo! Raphael, and I came to flow! Deemed dope by the Pope, and I boned 'til I croaked! I'm an emcee killer, but I get the feeling I should pass it up to my man on the ceiling! Buonarotti: (Ohhh!) Michelangelo, and I'm a giant! I made David, but I'll slay you like Goliath! I'm a rap God, and you can't quite touch me! This battle's your Last Judgment, trust me! Leonardo: The wisdom of our master, (Splinter.) Donatello: Taught us not to rush to violence. (Master Splinter.) Raphael: But our master, (Master Splinter.) Michelangelo: Ain't here, dude! Leonardo: I don't think you wanna mess with my katana blades! Get back in your floppy helicopter, fly away! Michelangelo: I can bebop and steady rock a mic, sucka! I'm a pristine Sistine nun chucka! Raphael: Oh hi, I'm a cool but rude guy! Put you back in school with the tip of my two sai! Donatello: Uhhh… Dona-tell me who you are again, dude, 'Cause I don't Gattamelata clue what you do. Leonardo: Yo, go ahead and hate. We'll just skate on by! Michelangelo: You guys draw more dicks than New York Pride! All 4: We're the TMNT, drop-kicking Italy! Chowing on your tower made of pizza! Leonardo: Save a slice for me! Who won? (NOT COMPLETE ROSTER) John Lennon Bill O'Riley Adolf Hitler Darth Vader Abraham Lincoln Chuck Norris Sarah Palin Lady Gaga Kim Jong-il Hulk Hogan Macho Man Randy Savage Justin Bieber Ludwig Van Beethoven Albert Einstein Stephen Hawking Easter Bunny Genghis Khan Napoleon Dynamite Napoleon Bonaparte Benjamin Franklin Billy Mays Vince Offer Gandalf Dumbledore William Shakespeare Dr. Seuss/The Cat in the Hat/Things 1 & 2 Mr. T Mr. Rogers Christopher Columbus Captain Kirk Leonidas Master Chief Wilbur and Orville Wright Mario and Luigi Michael Jackson Elvis Presley Marilyn Monroe Cleopatra Steve Jobs Bill Gates HAL9000 Frank Sinatra Freddie Mercury Mitt Romney Barack Obama Dr. Who Doc Brown & Marty Mcfly Bruce Lee Clint Eastwood Batman & Robin Sherlock Holmes & Dr. Watson Santa Claus Moses Adam Eve Gandhi Martin Luther King JR. Thomas Edison Nikola Tesla Lance Armstrong Babe Ruth Skrillex Mozart Rasputin Joseph Stalin Vladimier Lenin Mikahail Gorbachev Vladimier Putin Blackbeard Al Capone Miley Cyrus Joan of Arc Pable Picasso Bob Ross Michael Jordan Muhammad Ali Donald Trump Ebeneezer Scrooge J.P. Morgan Kanye West The Grim Reaper Rick Grimes Walter White Superman Goku Edgar Allan Poe Stephen King Isaac Newton Bill Nye Neil Degrasse Tyson George Washington William Wallace Leonardo/Donatello/Raphael/Michelangelo (Artists) Leonardo/Donatello/Raphael/Michelangelo (TMNT) Category:Blog posts